Failure and Success
by ReKoJ
Summary: Reid is having trouble coping and Morgan wants to help.
1. Chapter 1

Failure and Success

Chapter 1

He felt like a failure and he had been wrong, he was weak. He hadn't been the only one wrong, Gideon had been wrong as well. He'd told Spencer that he was strong and the he would not to broken. But by the time it was over he had ended up addicted, wasn't that just as bad? Not only that, but now he had nightmares. Some were flashes from his childhood; others were of his kidnapping and what could have happened. He slept less because he knew that he would wake up screaming.

The rest of the team knew that something was up. While he was at work he was fidgety, all he kept seeing was that room, the look on Hankle's face whether he was Tobias, Rafael or Charles. He just wished that he could make all his pain go away. He knew that he needed to concentrate, and if he wasn't careful he was going to end up in big trouble. It was bad enough that he had been asked by just about everyone on the team, if he was okay and that they knew what he went through wouldn't have been easy for anyone. He had to prove them wrong and hide his addiction. So far he was doing a pretty good job. Or so he thought.

It was late; everyone was more or less gone for the evening. Spencer usually made sure that he was the last to leave. But that night he hadn't been so lucky. Gideon had caught him before he even had the chance to leave the office. "Spencer?"

Spencer turned quickly, and out of habit, had put his hand over the front of his bag. Gideon knew that as the boss, he would have to make sure that his youngest team member was okay. They had tried giving Reid his space and let him try to figure things out for himself. He seemed unable to concentrate; he looked like he hadn't slept in days, at least not a full night. He seemed irritable, short tempered and lost. As the one who made sure that he was part of the BAU, it was his job to gibe Reid the help that he required, even if Spencer didn't ask. "Sir?"

"Do you have a minute?"

"Um…Actually…" His mind was racing. Had he noticed the shake to his hands when he was late for his fix? He had made it a point not to sleep on their flights, so no one knew about his nightmares. He knew that he looked like shit but he still had everything under control, didn't he?

"Please, this'll only take a minute."

"Okay." Spencer sat in the chair that Gideon had pulled out for him. "So what's up?" He could already feel his skin start to itch, that was the first sign that he needed a fix. Then his mouth would go dry and he would start to shake, worse than he was already.

"You haven't been yourself lately. You've been irritable, moody and I was just trying to make sure that you were okay. No one expects you to be at your best. You've had a pretty rough year." He could see Spencer's body language change. He had pulled his knees up, so that his feet rested on the bottom bar of the chair. It was almost as if he was trying to close in on himself.

Spencer sighed. "I'm fine. I was worried that I couldn't do my job as well as I used to, but I'm fine. I've realized that my experience could either make me a victim or I can come out stronger for it. At first I was letting it victimize me but I've decided that I'm not going to let it win."

Jason nodded. He knew that Spencer was strong, probably stronger than anyone else he'd ever known. He also knew that Spencer was brilliant and that he specialized in human behaviour; so no doubt the man knew how to lie well. But until Gideon knew otherwise he had no choice but to believe him. "Okay."

Spencer smiled, stood up and walked out the door. Jason knew that he was in big trouble. Spencer's left hand had started to tremble, and his smile never reached his eyes, no, they still looked as haunted as ever. Reid was definitely having problems but until he had solid proof or Reid went to him, there was nothing that he could do.

Reid, on the other hand, had originally decided that all he wanted was the comfort of his empty apartment but after his meeting with Gideon he decided that was the last thing that he needed. So he drove straight from the office to a bar.


	2. Chapter 2

Derek Morgan walked into the bar and was surprised to see Spencer there. He knew the kid had the occasional drink but he was clearly tanked.

"Reid?"

Spencer looked up at the mention of his name. "Yes, I'm okay. Nope, don't need to talk."

"I didn't ask." He gave Spencer the once over. "You're drunk."

Spencer shrugged and gestured towards the seven empty shot glasses that littered his section of the bar. "You think?"

Morgan picked up one of the empty shot glasses and sniffed the inside, a smile appearing on his face. "I never would have picked you for a Jack Daniels type of guy."

Spencer shrugged. "I'll be right back." Morgan watched him go towards the washrooms.

Once inside Reid was grateful that it was a one person bathroom and therefore you had to lock the door. He locked the door and leaned against the wall. He reached inside his bag and pulled out the bottle of Delaudid. He pushed the needle into the top, filling it half-way. He pulled the needle out and put the small rubber plug that he'd made back into the top of the bottle. He'd figured that if he did half doses it didn't make his head spin; it just dulled the ache and made it so that he didn't really care about what happened.

He looked at the needle he was holding between his trembling fingers and licked his lips. He shouldn't and he knew that but he also knew that he would because he needed it. He took a deep breath, tapped out the bubbles and slid the needle into one of his existing track marks. He groaned and let his eyes flutter shut as he took the needle out of his arm, capped it and placed both the needle and the bottle back in his bag. He pulled his shirt sleeve over his arm, unlocked the door and walked back to the bar.

Derek knew right away that something was different. Spencer seemed less on edge and more relaxed. As Morgan watched, he realized that his pupils were slightly dilated; he figured that it was from all the alcohol Reid had consumed. He could tell by the way that Spencer was walking that he clearly had had enough and he needed to be taken home.

"Spencer, let me drive you home."

Reid shook his head. "I don't want to go home right now. I want to drink."

Morgan shook his head. "You're finished. Did you drive here?"

"Yep. But that's, like, a block away. In a parking garage."

"Well, it'll be fine overnight; I'll come back in the morning and pick it up."

Reid shook his head again. "I told you, I don't want to go home."

For a minute, Morgan could have sworn that Spencer looked terrified at the idea of going home. "Come on, Spencer. You should go home." Morgan wasn't surprised when his friend downed his shot of Jack, then leaned over the bar, "May I have my keys?"

The bartender handed Morgan Reid's keys.

The bartender, knowing that Spencer usually didn't drink Jack Daniels and had had more than enough, and was just glad that a friend had come to pick him up. Tom (the bartender) had seen Spencer on the odd occasion, he certainly wasn't a regular. He wasn't a psychiatrist but even he knew that something bad had to have happened to that kid, he looked like he needed a long, hot shower and a good night's sleep. He hoped that this friend of his would take care of him.

"Thanks." Derek gently grabbed his friend's elbow and guided him out of the bar. He was glad that he'd parked relatively close to the entrance of the bar. He got Reid into the car and buckled him in. Once he was buckled in himself, he started the car and left the parking lot. They had been driving for about five minutes before Derek realized that he had no idea where the man lived.

He turned to look at his passenger, and noticed that Spencer had drifted off to sleep. His mouth was slightly open and he mumbled something in his sleep. Morgan sighed, for the first time in weeks Reid didn't look like he was thinking too hard, or like he was dazed or conflicted; he looked peaceful. "Well, looks like you get to spend the night at Chez Morgan."

He took a left on the next turn and drove right into the suburbs. He was glad to be heading home. After the day that he had, he just wanted a shower and then to sleep until doomsday.

Once they were safely in his garage, he shut off the car and walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. He knew that he would have to be careful. He put his hand under Spencer's knees and the other supporting his back as he lifted him out of the car. He pushed the door closed with his hip and carried Spencer inside.

He was surprised at how light the man was. He knew that Spencer was thin but he seemed smaller than he remembered. As Derek carried him to the bedroom he realized that he hadn't seem Reid eat much of anything lately. In the morning, Reid was always the first one at work and in the evenings he was the last one to leave. Morgan just assumed that he'd eaten at some point but now he wasn't so sure. He knew that Spencer usually ate light but there was a big difference between light and not at all or at least not while at work. Which for someone like Spencer, who practically lived at the office this wasn't good.

He carried the kid into the bedroom and laid Spencer on the bed and removed his shoes. As he took Spencer's left shoe off he felt Spencer tense. "Shhh. It's okay." That was when Morgan realized that Reid was talking in his sleep.

"I have a father and a mother just like you. Please, you don't have to do this. Just let me recite the bible." He screamed and started to cry. "Please. I have nothing to confess. I haven't done anything." He screamed again, the tears rolling down his face.

Morgan felt his heart breaking as Reid's whole body stiffened and his breathing became more erratic. He was clearly in pain (or at least believed that he was). Morgan rubbed small circles on his stomach. He didn't bother talking; speaking only seemed to make it worse. When Spencer seemed to calm down Morgan took off Reid's tie, pulled the blankets over him and turned off the light.

He knew that he should try to sleep but he needed a shower; badly. He walked into the bathroom and closed the door. As he let the hot water from the shower soothe his aching muscles he tried to figure out what he was going to do. It was obvious that the kid was still suffering, but he refused to let anyone help him, that was frustrating. Morgan already told him that he would listen if he wanted to talk; as far as he knew that's what everyone had said in one way or another. He also guessed that Reid was getting pretty tired of being treated like he was breakable. But the fact was, the whole team felt responsible for what had happened to him. They never taught him how to deal with torture, mental or physical; what he did know was whatever they taught in FBI training.

Gideon thought that they should've done more to prepare him. The truth was, they never thought that anything like that would happen to Spencer. They figured that there would always be someone there to cover him.

Morgan shook his head. Spencer's road to recovery would be long and difficult. The sad thing was that his recovery had barely begun. He got out of the shower, pulled on a pair of jogging pants and lay down on the couch.

It was 6 am when Spencer began to cry. It was heartbreaking to wake up to the sounds of that young man sobbing. Derek stood in the doorway to see if Spencer would quiet on his own, this had happened eight times now, Morgan understood why the kid looked like shit all the time, especially if this was what his average night was like. He was crying and had turned his head to the side. "Please. I don't want it. Please, no." And then there was nothing. He just lay there, on his side, in the fetal position; rocking.

As he watched him, Morgan noted the thin sheen of sweat on Spencer's skin. He was starting to shake and his teeth were beginning to chatter. Morgan cocked an eyebrow; if he didn't know any better he would have thought that Spencer was having withdraws.

He moved across the room to sit in the chair. If Reid woke up, he wanted to make sure that he could be seen. The last thing that he wanted was Spencer to have a panic attack because he woke up in a strange room. When he moved Spencer's bag off the chair, he accidentally tilted it and a small bottle rolled on to the floor. After picking it up and reading the label he opened the bag and was shocked by what he found: another bottle of the same narcotic and two needles. He knew that he should call Gideon but he also knew that Spencer would feel betrayed and wonder why he hadn't just talked to him about it.

So he waited for Spencer to wake up. And he was pretty sure that it wouldn't be long. Spencer put his wrists together; almost as if they were handcuffed. "You don't have to do this." There were tears rolling down his face again. Then he screamed and sat up.

Reid was still shaking but he managed to stop his teeth from chattering. Derek was still pissed about the drugs but at the same time he was saddened by the look of terror in his friend's eyes until he saw Derek. "Where am I?"

"My house."

Reid shrugged, like he hadn't been scared shitless. He acted like he didn't care. He didn't like the way that Derek was looking at him. "What?"

Derek knew right away that Spencer was suspicious and he figured that he had every right to be but it wasn't as if he had found the Delaudid and needles on purpose. And now all he wanted to do was help his friend. He wasn't exactly sure how he was going to pull that off but he knew that he had to try. If he couldn't reason with his friend then he'd have to bring in reinforcements. But if he could avoid getting the team involved; for Spencer's own dignity he would.

Morgan held up a needle and one of the bottles. "What's this?"

*You're pitiful. Just like my son.*

Spencer looked at the ground as images flooded his brain. Tobias, in the personality of his father, beating him. Him feeling weak and vulnerable as Tobias, in the personality of himself, tied the belt around his arm, despite his cries that he didn't want it. He could feel the sting as the needle was pushed into his vein and then there was nothing.

"Spencer, what is it?"

*I'm not going to ask you again, boy.*

"Spencer?"

Spencer looked up at his friend. "It's nothing. He folded his hands in his lap. Derek shook his head. He was used to Spencer being so confident. He wasn't sure how to respond to this new version of Spencer that was sitting there, this one was quiet, withdrawn and unsure of his own abilities. He was a broken man, a shell of what he used to be.

Spencer began tapping behind his left ear with his left index finger. "It's…uh, it's nothing."

Derek put both the needle and bottle on the table and sat on the side of the bed. "If it's nothing, why are you shaking?"

Spencer pulled his knees to his chest. "I need it."

"Come on, man. You're better than that shit."

Spencer shook his head. "It makes it better."

"Makes what better?"

"The pain."

Derek shook his head. All the pain that Spencer thought he was feeling was in his head. He was addicted; so subconsciously his mind would try to trick the body into believing that there was a need for it, when in actuality there wasn't. "You really aren't in pain. That's just your body playing tricks on you. You're smart think that you already knew that. Didn't you?"

Reid could feel his unshed tears burn his eyes. This wasn't fair. He was supposed to be smarter than that. He wasn't supposed to get caught up in doing drugs. He was supposed to help get the druggies off the streets, not become one of them. He tried to blink the tears away and the only thing that ended up happening was that he started to cry.

Derek took a deep breath. He hadn't expected Spencer to sound so helpless and broken. He had intended to stay mad and yell at him. He expected his friend to try to defend his need for the drug not practically fold in on himself. His thin, frail body shook with the force of his sobs and Derek actually thought that he might rupture something if he wasn't careful.

He gathered Reid in his arms. He wasn't sure how the young man was going to react but he knew that he had to offer some sort of comfort. Spencer needed to know that even though it felt like everything was going to hell in a hand basket and even though he had failed; he'd done what he'd needed to. He knew that if anyone could talk to Reid it would be him. That wasn't completely true, the only one that he'd ever opened up to was Garcia but he knew that he couldn't blow this.

Spencer went rigid at the initial contact. What Derek hadn't expected was for Spencer to practically melt in his arms. All Spencer wanted was to forget what had happened and to feel safe. He laid his head on Derek's chest as he felt his friend wrap his strong arms around him. He cried into Derek's shirt. He turned his head so that he could talk but still be in the comfort of his friend's embrace.

"I knew that I'd be found, I just had to try and stay alive until then, but in between the beatings and the drugs that he'd pumped into me, things got blurry and all because he wanted a confession. I was terrified when he had me in the cemetery digging that hole; I thought for sure that I hit the end. And why not? I deserved it, didn't I? "

"No, you wouldn't have deserved that. He was deranged, he knew that if he hurt you eventually you'd say or do anything that he wanted you to."

"No." Reid shook his head, hair falling into his face making him look even younger. "I sent her away. I said that it was because I couldn't help her but I know that the real reason was that at 18 I was selfish. Her illness didn't fit into what I was pursuing. That's why I write to her everyday. I write so that I won't feel guilty or as guilty that I don't call her or visit. I had her committed so that I could do what I felt that I needed to. Part of me believes that's why my father never stuck around. Maybe if I had been good enough…he w-would have."

By the time Reid finished talking he was crying, there didn't seem to be an end to his tears. All Derek could do was rub his back.

"Spencer, nothing you did could have made your father stay. If he'd been any kind of man at all, he would've had your mother committed and he would've stayed and taken care of you. He didn't because he's a coward. He's not even worthy of being called a man. As for Tobias Hankel, he was a very sick man. And like everyone has told you, no one expects you to be at one hundred percent, it'll take time. But I think that the best thing that you can do is tell Gideon. The team already knows that Hankel was addicted to Delaudid, so it won't be surprising to them and it's not surprising to me, that that's what he pumped you full of. If you tell Gideon then he can probably pull some strings, get you a temporary leave of absence. We can give you a chance to get cleaned up and then we'll deal with everything else."

Reid shook his head. Sure, what Derek said sounded logical but he knew that if he told Gideon then his career at the BAU would be over.

Derek could hear and feel Reid start to calm down. His breathing settled and he wasn't so tense in his embrace. He realized then just how little he knew about Spencer. He hadn't known that the kid had his own mother institutionalized and that his father had walked out on them. That sick fuck, Tobias, had twisted what Reid had needed to do into some form of sin. He really did a number on Spencer's head. The kid was going to need some pretty extensive therapy. But he knew that they had to handle one thing at a time.

Spencer took a deep breath. "No. If I tell Gideon then he'll want to know everything. I can't do that right now…or ever."

"Spencer. Nothing bad is going to happen to you but you need help. It's like I've been saying from the beginning ever since we rescued you, let us help."

"I don't know that you can."

Now, more than ever Derek wished that Tobias was still alive just so that he could kill him all over again. Multiple Personality Disorder or not, being shot was way too quick for the son of a bitch. "Look, we'll tell him together. I want my friend back."

Reid nodded. He relaxed against Morgan's chest. Derek just held him, he knew that Reid would want to be put back on the bed but Derek couldn't let him go. Spencer never asked so Derek never let him go. Somewhere between too long and yet not long enough, he could hear Spencer snoring. As he looked down on his friend, he realized that the sleeve on his shirt had ridden up and that was where he noticed the track marks.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Gideon got in the office, unsurprised to find Reid there. Ever since they had gotten him back, that had been his norm. As soon as Jason settled into his office; he heard a knock on the door. He didn't know why Spencer even bothered to knock; at that ungodly hour they were the only team members there. "Come in." Reid stood awkwardly in the doorway. Jason never realized just how thin he had gotten. On the other hand he wasn't surprised. He knew that if it weren't for the rest of the team; the doctor would probably attempt to live off of coffee. "Reid?"

Sir. C-can we talk?"

He jammed his hands into his pockets. Gideon knew that this was a sign that he was nervous. Gideon smiled, "Of course we can." Gideon had known that it would only be a matter of time before someone either figured out why Spencer was acting the way that he was or Spencer, on his own, would come and talk. "So?"

Spencer sat in the chair across from the desk. He knew that since Derek was the one that suggested that he talk to Jason, that if he had asked Derek to go with him he would have. The way Spencer saw it, he'd gotten himself in the mess, and he would get himself out or go alone if he had to ask for help.

"Are-are you familiar with the drug Delaudid?"

"Wasn't that the one that Tobias Hankel was addicted to?"

Spencer nodded. "When I was kidnapped by him, Delaudid was what one personality gave me for the pain inflicted by the other. From what I understand Delaudid is highly addictive. No," he rubbed his index finger between his eyes, "I know that it is highly addictive."

Jason nodded. "Okay. Are you still taking the drug?"

Spencer sighed. He slowly rolled up his shirt sleeve and extended his arm. Gideon glanced at the marks on Reid's arm. He wasn't all that surprised. They all knew the hell that he'd been through. It wasn't that anyone blamed him for dealing with the physical and mental torture that he'd been forced to endure, the way that he did.

Gideon could see the unshed tears shining in his eyes. Spencer bit his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. The last thing that he wanted to do was to cry in front of Gideon but he was falling to pieces faster than what he could pull together. Jason could see that he was afraid. What exactly he was afraid of was debatable.

Reid pulled his arm back and put both hands, folded in his lap. "I don't want to, but I can't stop." He was breaking again and he hated that. "I can't get his voice out of my head. I can't get certain things out of my head. Help me. Please." He couldn't stop it anymore. The tears began to fall, Reid took a deep breath to try and calm himself down but that didn't work.

Gideon got up from his desk and walked over to Spencer's chair. He pitied the fact that he looked terrified; as far as he was concerned Spencer had no reason to be afraid. As soon as Gideon was standing by his chair, Reid stood up.

*Grab a shovel*

*I ought to bury you alive, give you time to think about what you've done.*

Gideon didn't like the fact that his eyes glazed. "Reid?" He didn't think that it was a psychotic break but he knew that it wasn't healthy.

Reid looked up, almost surprised to see Jason practically standing over him.

"Okay, there's a group therapy meeting on Tuesdays, you can start there. I won't tell anyone about what you've been doing."

Reid nodded; he didn't trust himself to speak just then. He wiped the tears that had escaped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Thank you." That was barely audible. Gideon nodded, he didn't know if Reid had actually spoken but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. He was just glad that Spencer would finally be getting the help that he needed.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

3 weeks later…

Derek walked into the same bar that he'd found Reid in before. He was a bit surprised to find Reid there again but he figured that even the kid needed to have fun once in awhile. Although he thought that Spencer's definition of fun was probably not anyone else's.

Derek sat beside Spencer. He's been trying to get him alone for weeks and hadn't been able to do it. He motioned the bartender over and asked for a beer.

Spencer turned in his chair so that he was facing his friend. "Umm..I never thanked you for giving me the courage to go and talk to Gideon."

Derek smiled. "It was nothing. You would have done the same for me."

Spencer leaned over and gently kissed Derek. He hadn't planned for that to happen. In fact as he was leaning over, every fiber of his brain that wasn't swimming in alcohol had been screaming at him that what he was doing was bad. "I-I'm s-sorry." He stammered.

Derek grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him back. That had been something he'd wanted to do for a long time. He felt Reid melt against him. How long had it been since anyone (besides Derek) had hugged him or held him? He knew that Reid wasn't exactly the physical contact type but he also knew that he could be. Derek figured that with Reid's mother being the way that she was, he just didn't know how to ask.

Derek looked into Reid's eyes. If he saw fear or disgust he didn't know what he would do. Never mind the fact that Reid had kissed him back. *You don't kiss someone, if you find the idea repulsive* Derek reasoned with himself. But there was only one way to find out.

"Do you want to come back to my place?" Derek was staring into Spencer's brown eyes. He was a little surprised when he saw no hesitation.

"Absolutely."

"Did you drive here?"

Spencer shook his head. "I had a meeting, so I walked from there to here."

Derek suddenly looked concerned. "That good of a meeting eh? From one device to another."

Spencer smiled. It was the first genuine smile that Derek had seen from him in a while. He figured that had to be a good sign. "Today it was about getting past the addiction by owning the trauma. I know it doesn't sound difficult and it wasn't when it was all in my head. But trying to say it out loud; that was difficult."

Derek held his hand. "It's over now."

Spencer exhaled a breath that he didn't even know that he was holding. "Yeah, until next week."

"Come on." They exited the bar together. He wasn't exactly sure what he was going to do but he knew that whatever it was he had to do it right; there weren't going to be any second chances. Derek couldn't say that he knew what it was like; or knew what Reid was going through. All he could do was be there for him. And maybe show him that eventually everything works out in the end.

Reid was unsure what he was going to do. He knew that Derek cared about him; he also knew that Derek was the only person that could guess what the whole thing had been like. Sure he'd opened up to Garcia before but this was different. This was the one event (besides realizing that he knew nothing about his father) that could change him and quite possibly break him. He had no idea if he was strong enough to tell Derek all the things that he wanted to. It was one of those things that he would just have to wait out and hope for the best.

So now he was inside Derek's house for the second time. He realized that he hadn't been completely honest with Derek when they had spoken at the bar. He knew that that would have to be the first thing that he addressed or nothing else, not even the kiss at the bar, would make sense.

So he stood in Derek's living room and waited for Derek to come in and tell him what to do. What it was that he wanted him to do. Soon enough Derek came in. Reid looked so lost and upset, he didn't know how he was going to start but he knew that if he didn't say something, the moment would be lost. He knew that if anyone was going to be able to get Spencer to open up; it would have to be him.

"Wanna sit?"

Reid sat on his couch and was staring at the patch of carpet between his shoes. Derek had opened his mouth to say something when Spencer put his head in his hands and started to cry. He'd been doing too much of that lately and he knew that at some point it was time to be a man.

*You're weak, just like my son.*

He hadn't noticed it but he started rocking. Derek was unsure as to what to do. He out his arm around him, much as he had that night that Spencer had been completely wasted. And just like he had that night, he fell into his embrace, trying to practically sit in his lap. The first thing that Derek noticed was that despite the fact that Reid was wearing a sweater he was shivering. It wasn't the drugs this time and he knew that. No, this time it was the demons in his head.

As he leaned against the older man's chest, the hair that he usually tucked behind his ear fell into his face. That just made him look younger than he was, as it usually did. It just made Derek angry, angrier then he had been when he first discovered that Reid had been kidnapped.

"Talk to me man."

Reid licked his lips, Derek knew this was also one of the signs that Reid wasn't doing so well. He took a deep breath and tried to make his breathing match the heartbeat. He knew that he needed to calm down or all he would be doing was crying. "I can't get it out of my head. I can't get his voice out of my head, the cold look in his eyes when he was Rafael, the anger when he was his father and the sympathetic yet terrified look when he was Tobias."

When a tear made its way down Reid's cheek, Derek moved it away with his thumb. He took a deep breath and attempted to continue. "When we have a new case, I can see myself in the victims, Hankel in the unsub. For no other reason then simple memory recall my body aches, I'll feel blood trickling down the side of my face, my foot will burn and I'll no practical reason to explain why I'm crying. I'm totally at a loss for an explanation for my own behaviour."

Derek sighed. He had told Gideon that Reid should be in some form of counseling. All Gideon had told him was that Reid was smart; he'd survive. And now Derek realized that they have gotten him out alive but the emotional and psychological damage would be there for awhile.

Derek kissed the top of Spencer's head. For someone so tall, he could make himself impossibly small. He began to gently rock him back and forth while rubbing small circles on his back. He wanted Spencer to know that in the turmoil that his life had become, he was safe and that Morgan would protect him from everyone, including himself.

Derek picked him up and carried him to bed. Once on the bed, he found himself staring into a pair of wide brown eyes. "So?" Derek laughed; he always thought that Reid's social awkwardness just served to make the man adorable. Before Derek could over-analyze the situation and back down he kissed Reid. All it was meant to be was a soft brush of lips but Spencer was the one that deepened the kiss by opening his mouth and running his tongue against Derek's bottom lip until Derek gave him access to the inside of his mouth.

Once they broke for air Derek once again searched those brown eyes for any regret; he was relieved when he found none. He could see that Spencer was anxious; the way he played with the ends of his hair told Derek that. "What is it Reid?"

"I…um," he licked his lips, "I've never done anything like this before."

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm not going to hurt you."

Spencer nodded. He trusted Morgan and he knew that Morgan knew this. Morgan wasn't sure why he thought that having sex with Spencer would help but he did. In any event, he knew that he needed to keep his friend relaxed.

Derek began by kissing down his neck. He unbuttoned Spencer's shirt as he made his way down his chest. He dragged his shirt off his shoulders and down his arms. He tossed the shirt onto the floor and began working on Spencer's pants. It didn't take long before Spencer was completely naked in front of him. "Wow."

Spencer blushed. He had tried to stop it as he felt his face get hot but he couldn't make it go away. "What?"

Derek smiled. "This is going to come out sounding like a line no matter what I do. So I'm apologizing in advance if this sounds cheesy, but you're beautiful."

Spencer smiled. He couldn't think of anything to say. He wasn't blushing again (which was good news as far as Spencer was concerned, no need to prove that he was immature as well as young) and he had butterflies in his stomach. He couldn't believe that this was happening.

Derek removed his own shirt, and then gently coaxed Spencer onto his stomach. He pushed Spencer's knees underneath him so that his ass was raised a bit. Spencer felt his face flush a bit but he knew that Derek would never do anything to make him intentionally uncomfortable, so he waited. He gasped when he felt something hot and wet swirl in and around his anus. This definitely was not something that he'd been prepared for.

It took all the will power that Spencer possessed not to try and push his ass on the tongue that was currently driving him crazy. Morgan smiled as he blew a puff of air over Spencer's hole and chuckled at the gasp that he received. He gently pushed Spencer so that he was on his back. "Are you ready?"

Spencer was shaking; it wasn't that he wasn't excited; the erection jutting out from between his legs was proof of that. "I want to…" He took a deep breath. "I'm worried that it'll hurt." His eyes never left Derek's eyes.

Derek smiled at the young man lying beneath him. "Do you trust me?"

Spencer showed no hesitation at all. "Of course."

Derek smiled. "Good. Then don't worry. I'll take care of you."

Reid gulped around the lump in his throat. "Okay." His voice cracked and he smiled. He needed Derek to know that he trusted him. When Derek put two of his fingers over Spencer's lips he sucked them into his mouth, swirling his tongue around them, making them as wet as he could. He knew where Derek was going with this.

His breath hitched when he felt those fingers gently stroke his anus. He waited. He held his breath as he felt those same fingers pushing against his hole and finally thrust in and out of him. It burned a little as he was being stretched and prepared.

Derek got in between Spencer's shaking thighs. As he lined up the head of his cock with Spencer's hole; Spencer wrapped his legs around Derek's waist and pressed down a little. He knew that he had to do that in order to show Derek that he was ready. "Alright, baby. Take it easy. This'll hurt a bit."

Spencer took a deep breath and tried to will his body to stay relaxed. He squeezed his eyes shut and hissed through his teeth. Hurting a bit was an understatement; it hurt a lot. He had to use all the self-control that he had not to try and force Derek out of his body.

Finally Derek was completely inside Reid and he stopped moving. He wanted to give the boy time to adjust. He could remember how it had felt the first time he had someone's cock up his ass and he knew that this first time would either make him want to do it again, or not at all; ever.

Reid took a deep, shaky breath "Okay. I'm r-ready."

Derek braced himself on his arms. It was important that Spencer be able to see him. Derek knew this. As Derek started to move, he knew that he must have hit Reid's spot because the kid was suddenly relaxed, moaning and trying to match him thrust for thrust. "Does that feel good pretty boy?"

Reid tried talking but his brain seemed to have forgotten how. So he just nodded. As Derek started to pick up some speed, Spencer wrapped his legs tighter around Derek's waist and wrapped his arms around Derek's neck. It was like he wanted to get as close to him as he could possibly get. He could feel a tightening and knew that he was going to come.

Morgan wasn't stupid; he knew that the kid was going to come. He could feel in the way that Spencer clamped down around his cock. He sped up his thrusts. He wanted them to come together, he set up a fast pace and smiled at the look on Spencer's face. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. Th-Th-This is good. Oh God." He bit his lip and his eyes settled on Derek's. "I'm….Oh…I'm going to come."

"I know. Don't worry, I'll get you there." Within minutes they came together, Spencer splattering their stomachs while Morgan filled Spencer's ass. Spencer blinked; he'd never had the feeling of someone coming inside of him before. It wasn't entirely unpleasant; just something that he assumed he'd have to get used to.

Derek pulled out and held Spencer close. Spencer didn't feel bad and he didn't regret what he did. So when he started to cry, he didn't fully understand why. Derek rubbed Reid's back. "Are you okay?" He was afraid that he'd either hurt him or he was regretting what he had done.

Spencer nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "Yeah." He was shaking, it reminded him of the first time that he'd shot someone. He'd been steady when he'd had the gun in his hands, when he'd aimed and fired. After, when they'd been back on the jet his hands had shook so badly. It had taken an hour or so to get it to stop.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. It was good."

Derek chuckled. "You're overwhelmed; even if you don't know that's what it is."

Spencer snuggled into Derek's embrace. He wasn't particularly worried about what would happen in the morning. He was just happy that for once things seemed to be working out for him and at the moment things were as normal as they ever got.


	5. Chapter 5

It was morning. Spencer knew this from the annoying birds that were chirping outside his window. Spencer had prided himself on being an early riser but that wasn't the case on this particular morning.

Morgan came into the room carrying a tray of coffee, Reid smiled, he'd never wanted a cup of coffee so badly. "Thanks."

Morgan saw the thunder clouds in Spencer's eyes. "Uh-oh. What's the matter kid?"

Reid bit his lower lip. "I'm just thinking. What happens now?"

Morgan smiled. "Easy, we take this one step at a time. I love you and I think that you're amazing. I could wake up to you every morning for the rest of my life. Can you be there too?"

Spencer licked his lips. He knew what Derek was asking, what he wanted him to commit to, and now everything that Morgan had done over the last year or so made sense. "I can. I will."

Derek leaned over and kissed Spencer gently on his mouth. Reid opened his mouth and deepened the kiss. Spencer wanted as close to Derek as he could. He knew that they would have to keep their relationship a secret but that didn't mean that he couldn't be as close as he wanted when they were alone together.

Derek moved some lose strands of hair out of Spencer's face. "I love you and I want the whole world to know it."

Reid shook his head. "Not worth the risk. It isn't only that, you know that Hotch, J.J., Rossi, Emily and Garcia will all figure it out. It's unlikely that they will say anything but they will know."

Derek nodded. "I know." He put the tray that he was still holding on the nightstand and laid beside Reid. Spencer snuggled against the other man's chest. He loved the feeling of the older man's against his own. It was warm and inviting, they laid together in a comfortable silence.

Then the phone rang, Spencer looked at his watch. "We're late."

Derek laughed. "Don't look so pale. It'll be okay. I'll answer, say that I was having car trouble and you came to pick me up. That'll cover us."

As Derek answered the phone, Spencer began pulling on his clothes. He just hoped that no one would notice that he hadn't changed his clothes. He doubted that they would and finally decided that if they did, he didn't care.

The end


End file.
